How Captain Plum turned the Vitalogue into a household audiobook, without recording a single audiobook.
Captain Northman Plum · Lifeology.ca · November 2026
Captain Plum has thousands of essays and stories. Unfortunately, he also has a house.
The dishes do not wash themselves. The floors remain unconvinced by philosophical argument. Laundry accumulates with such determination that Plum suspects it has developed an independent civilization.
Fortunately, he has discovered an amusing little trick: make the computer read the bloody stories aloud.
Plum opens a story on Lifeology.ca, starts the computer’s text-to-speech reader, and goes about his business. The kitchen becomes a starship corridor. The laundry becomes an interplanetary crisis. Paddy O’Really begins causing trouble while the Captain is cleaning the bathroom.
And Plum wonders why more people don’t know about this.
They’re Called Accessibility Tools
Apple and Microsoft provide speech-reading features primarily in the name of accessibility. These are important tools for people with visual impairments, reading difficulties and other access needs. They should be easy to discover and pleasant to use.
But they’re also useful to practically everyone.
Think of them as an instant, imperfect audiobook narrator for an ordinary webpage. You don’t have to download an MP3 or wait for an author to record a dramatic performance. If the article contains readable text, your computer may be able to speak it.
How to Listen to the Vitalogue
On a Mac: Open a Lifeology article, then go to System Settings → Accessibility → Read & Speak and enable Speak Selection. Highlight the text you want to hear and press Option–Escape, the default shortcut. You can choose a system voice and adjust the reading rate. Apple’s instructions.
On Windows with Microsoft Edge: Open the article and press Ctrl+Shift+U to start or stop Read aloud. Or right-click the page and select Read aloud. In supported articles, F9 opens a cleaner Reading mode; the toolbar lets you select a voice and adjust speed. Microsoft’s instructions.
On an iPhone using Safari: Open a supported webpage, tap the Page Menu control, and select Listen to Page. You can pause and resume from the same menu. Apple’s instructions.
The exact menu may vary with your software version and not every webpage supports every reading mode. If a browser starts reading menus and other clutter, try its reading mode or select the article text first.
The Machine Has a Few Acting Problems
There are limitations. Plum once experimented with Apple’s Irish “Moira” voice and concluded it sounded like Maddie Not-Really glitching after being manufactured in 1986. Some of the newer voices are better, but the machine still doesn’t know when Paddy is supposed to sound outraged, Romeo exhausted, or Chorus tender.
Sometimes it pronounces a word so catastrophically that the interruption becomes the best joke in the essay.
Nevertheless, the story survives. And listening also helps authors proofread: the ear catches repetition and awkward rhythm that the eye politely ignores.
The Vitan Lesson: Give People More Doorways
Order means making information easy to reach in whatever form works. Truth means recognizing that synthetic reading is useful, but not a substitute for an expertly performed audiobook. Love means respecting people’s attention, abilities, time and circumstances.
A person shouldn’t need to sit at a desk to enjoy a good story. Accessibility is not an inferior way of experiencing culture. Often it is the feature that makes the experience possible.
So the next time you have to tidy the house, pick a story, start Read aloud, and let the Ark come along.
You can even listen to the Vitan parables, explore the History of the Vitaverse, or browse the Captain’s Log.
The laundry will still be there. But now, at least, Paddy will be there too.
Order. Truth. Love. And a little less staring at bloody screens.
Leave a Reply