Captain Plum enjoys a good swear word. Sometimes the universe produces stupidity of such magnitude that ordinary English simply cannot accommodate it.
A computer requires seventeen clicks to accomplish something that should take one. “That’s unfortunate” doesn’t quite capture the experience. “What a fucking ridiculous piece of shit” does rather better.
But Plum has identified a problem: humanity has become terribly uncreative about swearing. Fuck. Shit. Bastard. Asshole. Admirable old workhorses—but where is the innovation? We have spacecraft and artificial intelligence, yet swear like medieval peasants whose donkey has eaten their trousers.
The Great Vitan Contributions: Plopstank and Echofart
Fortunately, the Vitalogue has already made significant contributions to the neglected science of creative profanity. Two words stand above the rest.
PLOPSTANK!
A plopstank is something so ridiculous, unpleasant or incompetent that conventional English should not be required to describe it. A badly designed computer system is a plopstank. An organization that charges you extra for failing to provide a service is a plopstank. A printer that announces it cannot print because it is currently printing is a spectacularly advanced plopstank.
“Who designed this plopstanking thing?” “This entire afternoon has become one enormous plopstank!” The applications are almost unlimited.
ECHOFART!
An echofart is a statement, announcement or idea that makes an enormous amount of noise while contributing remarkably little meaning. It reverberates around the room and disappears without improving anybody’s understanding. Corporate mission statements are frequent echofarts. Political speeches may contain several consecutive echofarts. Some meetings are nothing but echofarts arranged chronologically.
“Did you hear the CEO’s announcement?” “Yes. An absolute echofart.”
Plum believes both words should be taught in schools. The Department of Education has not responded. Possibly its reply was classified as an echofart.
Additional Vitan Profanity
“Oh, for Field’s sake!” For password resets, verification codes and electronic medical records.
“Dimperial phuckery!” For bureaucracy that turns an ordinary task into an elaborate punishment. The ph is deliberate. This is official Vitan spelling, and it makes the word approximately 37 percent more ridiculous.
“You absolute coherence collapse!” For somebody who introduces disorder into everything they touch.
“Flumplefuck!” For a small but particularly irritating malfunction.
“You magnificent knobgoblin!” For incompetence so spectacular that it approaches an artistic accomplishment.
“Holy mother of the Sorrow Engine!” Reserved for major disasters involving heating oil, internet outages or the Canada Revenue Agency.
“Bugger the entropy!” Commander Chorus Angelicus’s preferred expression of philosophical irritation. Concise. Elegant. Deeply Vitan.
Paddy Proposes a New Standard
Lieutenant Paddy O’Really has proposed combining every available swear word into one enormous verbal weapon:
“YOU GREAT PLOPSTANKING, ECHOFARTING, FLUMPLEFUCKING DIMPERIAL PHUCKWHISTLE!”
Lieutenant Maddie Not-Really observed that it sounded like a washing machine falling down a staircase. Paddy considered this an outstanding review.
Chorus recommended reducing the sentence to a single word: “Plopstank.” Plum agreed. Sometimes one word is sufficient.
Is Swearing Un-Vitan?
Not at all. Vitalogy concerns itself with Order, Truth and Love, not the arbitrary prohibition of colourful language. There is a difference between shouting “Fuck!” after hitting your thumb with a hammer and deliberately humiliating somebody. One expresses frustration. The other may express cruelty.
A Vitan should be capable of extraordinary profanity while remaining fundamentally kind. Indeed, a well-placed swear word may communicate more truth than several pages of polite corporate bullshit.
The objective is creative profanity without unnecessary cruelty.
The Official Vitan Recommendation
Humanity should modernize its profanity. Plopstank, Echofart and Dimperial Phuckery are nominated for permanent inclusion in the international vocabulary. Existing swear words may remain, provided their users make some effort toward originality.
Captain Plum reserves the right to say “fuck” whenever circumstances require it. But he looks forward to the day when an irritating bureaucracy, incompetent computer program or pointless announcement can be dismissed with a magnificent “PLOPSTANK!” And if it keeps repeating itself? “ECHOFART!”
Order. Truth. Love. And bugger the entropy.
P.S. — A Discovery from the Profanity Laboratory
BREAKING: The Vitan Department of Advanced Profanity has discovered that saying “fuck off” backwards produces the intriguing experimental expression “Foff Kuff!” Preliminary trials suggest it sounds suspiciously like the original, particularly when shouted by Lieutenant Paddy O’Really. Laboratory testing continues. Commander Chorus Angelicus cautions that no one should attempt to reverse the experiment while operating heavy machinery.
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